One of my favorite writers, Ben Hardy, has examined this concept extensively.
Time is a distance. It is not how long you are going, but how far you move as a person. Are you the same person you were yesterday? Are you moving towards a future that will pull you years down your timeline?
As a family, we’ve been reminded of this recently on a few different fronts.
Our boys have trouble helping out around the house. Our oldest apologized the other day for something he always neglects to do. I told him, here’s a tip for later in life; apologize too often for the same thing and you will not be considered sincere or genuine. You’ll be a liar.
How far have you moved from your past?
Have you considered what you value and what is worth chasing?
“A person choosing to spend large portions time in an unsatisfying job in order to make ends meet is on a fast track to his deathbed. Time will move increasingly faster as a result of his slow pace—the relativity of time. The minuscule moments of freedom spent doing what he desires will seem to disappear far too quickly; and before he knows it, he’s back at the grindstone. While at work, he may as well not be living as his time spent is detested. When the goal is merely to “get through” the day as quickly as possible, life will pass full of regrets. Time becomes the great taskmaster when it should be the liberator. His time is endured rather than enjoyed. He is often late and constantly missing the moments that matter most—caught in the vacuum of time-acceleration toward death without any perceived way of slowing it down.”
Authenticity is scary. What if we are rejected? When you’ve experienced rejection in the past, it is way easier to imagine for the future.
When you look at the weight of bad choices, all the things that could provide freedom seem unreachable. Good News is something for a social media feed. It is because we long for the grand “Good News” and not something that applies directly to us.
I had a sales job for two weeks after college. They taught the Keep Up With the Jones’s technique. Tell your customer that everyone around them is doing it and they might miss out.
We take our Good News with the same intent. Does it fit with our friends and family? Is it something that we can text and get a positive response? How about a few Facebook likes?
Or is it authentic?
What drives you?
What fills your time? What do you value? What is valuableto you?
Make no mistake, they are two different things.
This is a challenge I am working on right now and, reading through some resources I’m realizing some things that excite me, an authentic self I’ve buried under just getting by.
I’m realizing how much time I’ve traveled, how much I’ve lost, and what is left to accomplish.
Time, the distance, can be as we make it.
Be bold. Create. Follow your path even when you are the only one on it. Love deeply. Love well. Engage.
She stayed up late last night looking at a list of names.
This list is more than one hundred people. She looks down the list as her cell phone alerts sound. Facebook, text messages, questions. She puts the phone down and goes back to the list.
Her list is not just names. It brings up faces in her mind.
Children she met as babies and cut the first time they were ready and not afraid to sit in her chair. Men and women, old and young. She takes a breath and she thinks about her list.
She thinks about her year. She thinks about what she knows and she wonders.
How is your wife dealing with her illness? How is your elderly father? How is your child dealing with home schooling?
She thinks about the client she invited to Thanksgiving, the lady who has no family, the one she hasn’t heard from in months and she worries.
She knows about your problems. She knows about your new job, about the child you are sending to college in the fall and she wonders how they will do because she’s cut their hair since they were in elementary school and she’s planning a small graduation gift for you to give to them.
Something to show she cares.
She knows about your friends. She knows about your fights. She knows about your sex life or lack there of. She knows about your worries and she listens.
Her chair is a confessional, a psychology session, a bar stool. Your words never leave the salon and she will always keep it that way.
Her phone sounds again. She looks at the message.
When are you opening?
She closes her eyes.
The pandemic has taken months of time. Time is valuable. Days can be twelve hours, standing for most of it, morning to night. Appointments, cuts, colors, perms.
You need her to stay late? Sure. Your color didn’t turn out and you need it fixed? Let’s do it.
She works without breaks. She gives you her time. She gets home after midnight again and kisses her kids goodnight as they sleep in their beds. She changes in the dark, listening to her husband shift under the covers. She warms up dinner from a container. She sits at the kitchen table shaking her hands to wake up her wrists.
Her fork feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. Her right arm held a blow dryer for hours today, elevated, an extended single arm pull up that would hinder any grown man.
And she pours a glass of iced tea. And she eats as night passes outside.
Her phone alerts again. A comment on the salon’s Facebook page. People are angry. She scrolls through replies. She scrolls through her main page. She scans new status updates.
So happy to get my hair done finally.
Got my hair cut. Had to drive to do it, but it was worth it!
Two names on her list. She grabs the paper and makes changes.
The salon meeting happens over Zoom. PPE is purchased. Stations will be spaced out. Protect yourselves. Protect your clients. No one in the waiting room. They will enter from the parking lot, get cut, and leave.
No paying with cash.
And there’s the catch. The commission will be less, sure, but it will pick up eventually she believes. No cash though, that hurts. Credit card tips get taxed.
Cash is a tank of gas on the way home. Lunch money for school. A cup of coffee.
Color is complicated. Color is chemicals. Color is heat and she’ll be wearing extra layers, so she’ll be sweating. So she’ll need to drink. Drinking means taking time. Time she doesn’t have with a crowded parking lot waiting to get serviced.
So she doesn’t drink.
Oh, and by the way, no blow-drying hair.
The final touch. The masterpiece. The way a client can see their beautiful new color in action.
Not anymore. No, they will go home and do it themselves and, if it doesn’t look good enough they will call that night to get it fixed.
And they will go back on the list.
“Mommy, I’ll miss you.”
She hugs her son. She’s spent months with them. She’s planned days and activities. She’s been a teacher and cook, mother and manager. She’d had weekends for once, months of weekends!
She’s gotten used to weekends.
Saturdays now will be different.
Saturdays will be her Mondays. Driving to the salon as the sun comes up some mornings, no traffic, window down and radio playing.
Nerves kicking in.
Her phone sounds again. It pulls her attention from a picture on the wall from when she was younger, fifteen years before. The first time she’d stepped in to a salon.
The moment she knew this would be her calling.
“It’s all I know,” she told her husband.
So they would wait until they could open.
One final weekend. One final week.
Looking at the list 1,000 more times.
She looks in the mirror. She tries on her work clothes and loops the mask over her ears. She wonders how this will work. She takes the mask off.
She finds her equipment. She cleans it.
She loads her car and she looks at the quiet house.
It’s time to go to work.
Matt Shaner has been married to a hair stylist for fifteen years. This is his tribute to his hero and to all stylists out there getting back into it. Stay strong. You will make it through.
Two years ago, you went home. On a dark and cold winter night we drove to the hospital with you and, when we left the next morning, you were gone. Your mom was a little more than twenty weeks pregnant. You’d made it half way.
Then you were called home.
I cried when I found out you were coming, not out of joy. I was scared, to be honest, to meet you. We never found out your gender but something tells me you were meant to be my little girl.
Your brothers grow each and every day. Carter is so active and he has a huge heart. Aiden is so smart. He loves to sit and relax, play his video games and watch his shows. They would have loved you. They still do.
I like to read. You never found that out, but I’ll tell you because it’s important to me. I read something yesterday that asked “how would you live if you had 6 months left?”
I thought about this question.
And my mind went to you. You had six months. So what if I could live inspired, grab that time, know and remember every second of swirling emotion. What if I could see you as an inspiration?
What if I could live these days to make you proud of me.
The world is hard. It is loud and noisy. People get distracted. I like to think the chaos was too much for you and God called you back to heaven because your heart was too pure for this.
Because we struggle. We suffer. We hurt. Your mom and I, our hearts were broken when we lost you. Your brothers, they were so excited to meet you one day.
We’re not perfect, but we were your family. We are your family.
Whenever I’d be involved in a conversation about celebrity look a likes, I’d always name Affleck. I’d enjoyed his movies and the various characters he’d attempted to fill over the years. Recently, the NY Times did a great profile on the actor on the heels of his divorce with Jennifer Garner after thirteen years of marriage and three children.
A few of his quotes made me stop and think, not just for honesty sake but for the weight he’d put in them:
“People with compulsive behavior, and I am one, have this kind of basic discomfort all the time that they’re trying to make go away,” he said a couple of Sundays ago during a two-hour interview at a beach side spot in Los Angeles. “You’re trying to make yourself feel better with eating or drinking or sex or gambling or shopping or whatever. But that ends up making your life worse. Then you do more of it to make that discomfort go away. Then the real pain starts. It becomes a vicious cycle you can’t break. That’s at least what happened to me.”
“The older I’ve gotten, the more I recognize that my dad did the best he could,” Affleck said. “There’s a lot of alcoholism and mental illness in my family. The legacy of that is quite powerful and sometimes hard to shake.” Affleck’s younger brother, Casey, 44, has spoken about his own alcoholism and sobriety. Their paternal grandmother took her own life in a motel when she was 46. An uncle killed himself with a shotgun. An aunt was a heroin addict.
“It took me a long time to fundamentally, deeply, without a hint of doubt, admit to myself that I am an alcoholic,” Ben Affleck said. “The next drink will not be different.”
Pic from the Times profile.
Let’s dig in.
My generation is known as The Divorce Generation. We were the first to eclipse the statistic that 50% of the marriages of our parents would end in divorce, myself included. So what does that do? It generates what Affleck mentions in his quote, something his children will face now.
It creates that consistent discontent driving compulsions. Pain nags, the feeling palpable. It is a burning, just under the skin, that something is coming. A feeling the car is approaching a horizon that is actually a cliff, that the raft is approaching the waterfall in the distance and we hear the rapids. It creates unbalance and the urge to fill the space.
I turn mine into a reward mechanism. Let’s buy lunch, go to the movies, pick up a new book, let’s sit and decompress and not think for a while. Let’s spend because we deserve it.
We all find solace in something, in realization. Val and I lean on faith, we’ve started trying to get physically, financially, and spiritually well with a purpose. Now, we’re not perfect by any means, and the old habits die hard behind ignorance. The trick is in the realization. As Affleck says,
The next drink will not be different.
Fill in the blank with your coping mechanism of choice. Compulsions are driven on novelty. There’s a chance we are missing something. The dopamine hit could be better, stronger. The limit could go just a little bit deeper, because God, what a rush that was. And in that rush, for a moment, we didn’t feel.
When we sit down, sit back and understand the next drink will not be different, the next impulse isn’t new, the next vice is the same prison as before, when we look in the mirror and acknowledge it, then the real work can be done.
I look in the eyes of my boys and know they’ll need their own strategies. Affleck and Garner may both be millionaires, but pain is real. Their children will face it down one day. And money isn’t solution if we follow Affleck’s logic.
As Solomon writes in Ecclesiastics, we are eager to chase the wind.
The goal is truth. The goal is love. The goal is life and being present because it stops you from constantly leaning forward out of the moment and trying to find the next thing. Because the next thing won’t be different.
Aiden and I were watching Youtube this morning and he said, in the middle of the video, “smash that Like button, dad,” and I laughed. That’s the moment. Grab those like gold because time passes. Know that you are doing okay and things will get better.
I’d mentioned before on here that my dad worked in a nuclear power plant. He’d spent two decades there as an operator, a staff member working on upkeep of engines and various machines at the plant including the reactor. I remember being awed at the mystery of the thing, the idea of working with radiation and the precarious spot of being an everyday employee.
In fifth grade we had to do a science fair project. Dad helped me with a presentation on the Chernobyl disaster. HBO recently aired an outstanding series on the events surrounding it.
image from hbo.com
For those of you unfamiliar, a reactor at the plant melted down after a faulted safety test in the middle of the night. This exposed workers and residents of the town of Pripyat and the fallout is still being felt decades later. Pripyat was a town built specifically for workers at the plant and their families. Today it stands abandoned.
The lessons behind the incident are explored in the series. What is the price of lies and secrets? How valuable is information? When is reputation more important than life itself?
We watch the show and wonder what we would have done, being faced with certain death. We consider the cost of duty and we rage with those the government had left behind in their efforts to cover up the true scope of the disaster.
Our lives have power and potential. We radiate with purpose. We are driven with a force strong enough to light a thousand cities and yet we can find ourselves stuck.
We fall slave to routine. We find comfort when lies are easier than truth, avoiding correction is easier than facing the music for our mistakes. We settle and fight, pull away into isolation and find comfort in a place that slowly takes our hours until the sun sets and darkness falls.
If you find yourself in this spot, there is hope.
People in social media land make significant money helping people find hope. They do it in appearance, words, finances, status, any key they can find. They miss the point though.
Hope is not a concrete thing.
Hope is an internal switch. It is the moment you realize you are tired of being tired, that nothing changes if nothing changes. It is the point you look in the mirror and decide you’d had enough. It is the moment you burn it all down and walk away from the ashes on a new path with new life and direction.
Hope can’t be sold or captured, forced into a form or transaction. Hope comes in understanding that God is doing a work in you even in the midst of darkest night.
We get stuck when we are caught in routine, following a rote path carved out because someone said we should, falling to peer pressure and the comparison game, giving up and settling down because it is easy.
Hope is not easy. Know today that the fire still burns within you, the light of a million suns and the potential to change the world, your family, your marriage, your children, and every single breath.
I believe this and I believe, as you read this, a small voice inside agrees with me. You can feel it ready to soar, to break out and push forward. Your day is here.
The boardroom, the dinner table, the athletic field. The presentation that will make or break the contract. The conversation that will pull your son out of depression. The date that will bring back the light in a spouse’s eyes.
There is an edge in life. The feeling is cold. The edge of a knife that runs through your core and into your soul. Hearts pound. Nerves grip and release. A cold sweat appears.
The edge is clear. The edge is hard, the hardest thing you ever face. The edge is powerful.
The edge is the door to your biggest dreams and deepest heartbreak. For those of us willing to live there, it can be the most empowering place in the universe.
The edge calls you.
It’s the reason you go to the gym, strap on the sneakers and pound the pavement. It’s the moment you look in the mirror and decide this isn’t working and you are sick of it. You are sick of feeling down and sorry. You are sick of waiting for permission.
Here’s a secret: Permission isn’t coming. Know why?
Because it comes from you.
The way through fear. The way around worry. The way to advance in the face of odds that seems so large. The way through the darkness is to move. One step at a time. One moment of a minute of an hour of a day. One choice in the midst of the darkest night. One yell from the primal depth of your being to declare…
This isn’t working anymore. It is time for a change. Starting now. I’m done with the old and I’m living in the new, on the edge, with momentum and purpose.
It is the first gasp of breath when you haven’t breathed in years. It is the first beat of a heart that knows a reason for living. It is the first embrace when your souls connect again after so many years apart.
It is life on the edge and it is calling. No more excuses. No more waiting. Time keeps moving. Will you move with it?
Thirty-seven hours of labor. In and out of the hospital. Your heart rate rising and falling until your doctor decided it was time to go and get you. Mommy was given medicine and fell asleep. I waited in the hallway with your aunt Tara and both of your mom-moms. They wheeled you out around midnight and the hospital policy was that I was the only one that could hold you before mommy woke up.
We sat in that room together for two hours and you looked up at me with deep eyes. You didn’t cry. You just watched me.
I found a note the other day from when you were three. I worked a later shift at the time and we spent many mornings watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse at 5:30 am on the couch and, at the time, we didn’t think anything of it. We thought you were just an early riser.
Then you were busy.
You ran before you could walk. Literally, not a joke, ran across the living room floor before most kids took their first unsure steps. We hit every playground in the area. You climbed, jumped and played with the best of them. We tried sports as soon as we could. You played soccer, baseball, basketball, football, anything you could throw and catch.
When you were happy you were happy. When you got mad, you started to get mad, like really mad. You became a swirl of sadness and anger wrapped into a screaming package.
Your brother came along when you were four and, for a little, things were okay.
The anger got deeper. You got stronger and the combination wasn’t the best thing for us. Still, we thought, it is just a phase. You’ll grow out of it. You’ll keep getting older and things will calm down.
Then one day you told me you couldn’t get a thought out of your head.
Now, let me put this in context. You’ve grown. You are strong and fast, talented in anything that requires athletic ability. You still feel deeply, you still find your heart-broken more than you’d like. You want things your way and you hate criticism.
You have made friends and lost them. People have cycled in and out of your life. The day you told me you couldn’t get a thought out of your head, it stands out now. At the time, I tried to avoid it.
Then it got worse.
You obsessed over thoughts and feelings, things that weren’t right. Your worry started to take over your life. Things that were easy weren’t easy anymore. We went to the doctor and we tried and your mom and I still told ourselves that this too will pass.
The other night we were looking at a math homework sheet and you were having trouble focusing. I asked you what was going through your mind. You looked at me and said things were all “scribbly”. I still hear you saying it.
I want you to know something.
It will all work out. Your mother and I are here for you. You are still that kid that I held in the hospital. You are still busy and you still feel deeply. Whatever is going on in your head is real and, even though we’ve waited five years, it may not be going away.
So we will get you help. We will stand by you as your mom and dad. We will give you the support you need in school and outside of school.
We will do this for you and we will be your advocates. We will be on your team and we will attack this stuff now and get it knocked down and manageable. We will get you your life back.
We will pray for you. Everyday.
We will talk to the doctor, the therapist, anyone we need to get a team around you to help you because we can’t do it alone.
Carter, I love you more than you’ll ever know. I’m typing this at my desk taking breaks between paragraphs to wipe away the tears and hope that no one notices.
I’m sorry for my frustrations, my irritation, my anger. I owe you more than this. I owe you a better father and better role model. You deserve a better man than me to follow.
But I promise you, today, I’m going to work on it, to get better, to be that father you deserve.
Just know I’m sorry. I’m here for you. I’m still holding you 9 years later and you’re still looking up at me and I promise things will get better.
I left off here in a dark place. In the few months since, things have changed. I’d looked in the mirror, stared into the abyss as it looked back at me.
I realized a few things.
Ironically, it took watching Tony Robbins on his Netflix documentary to help see the truth. To look at some limiting beliefs, to realize what I’d cost Val and the boys over the last ten years.
Things have changed.
I’ve given myself permission to be the best father and husband I can be, to be my own man and stand on that foundation. We cleaned out our house taking almost twenty bags of various things to be donated/trashed. My book collection is down to a few volumes of importance (everything from here out will be digital).
Some weight has lifted.
I started a new job, taken far too long to settle back into writing. I’ll start my first season as head coach for Carter’s baseball team this spring with opening day on April 1st. We are making steps towards a more purposeful life.
The boys are still crazy and active. They still surprise us with what they do and say on a daily basis.
So this blog will be a return to the words, the calling to put things down on paper, to stay honest, to honor the permission to write.
That’s the biggest thing that’s hit me in the past few months.
I’m allowed to learn and grow, to not have all the answers. To be a father and figure it out on a daily basis. To be a husband and do the best I can. To be a writer no matter where the words end up.
To reach an audience because I know you are still out there. You’ve been there like me and you’ve grown.
To know that it’s okay as we go forward.
I hope you’ll join me on this new start. Through a crazy baseball season and busy summer of sports for Aiden and Carter, trips to the pool and our first family vacation. Many stories wait to be told and I’m excited to see how they end up.
And I’m okay.
It’s taken a long time to get there, but I think I’ve finally found the starting point, the foundation to look towards the future and I’ll take that for 10:09 PM on a Tuesday night.
1/I am ready. You are never ready. From the moment I held Carter for the first time, I knew my life had changed. No amount of guidebooks, movies, or internet research can prepare you for having a kid.
2/My kid will be a copy of me. Some of you may luck out on this. I did not. I have dark hair and brown eyes. My boys are a blonde and a red-head and their personalities are polar opposites of my own in many ways. Some nights I shake my head and wonder where they came from.
3/My marriage will stay the same. Kids start you on a process of discovery. Your time is now split and your love has grown deeper and wider than you could ever imagine. Now, what to do with it? You were a team and now you are a unit. Days are blank slates and you must rewrite the script every morning.
4/My wife can take care of it. I’m guilty of this. When you add kids in the mix of work, money, family, faith, and health things can fall to the side. When you have a wife who takes care of things, it can be tempting to let it go. Be sure to step up and do your part.
5/My wife can take care of it (part 2). There is a phrase thrown around in faith circles of being a servant-leader. In the midst of the noise, it can easy to forget to take the time. We should be talking about life, faith, disappointment, hope, love, joy, and salvation whenever we can to our kids. We should start them on the right waters and help guide their spiritual journey into the future.
6/The sun will always shine. There will be fights. The first time your kid looks at you in anger, you will never forget it. You may think you’re a great dad but all it takes is a wrong answer to a question and it will set things off. Disappointment is okay. Your kids need to experience negative emotions and learn how to process them. This is the hard part; give them permission to ride out the storm. It will be valuable in the end.
7/Stuff is enough. A pile of toys only leads to more piles of toys. Eventually the interest fades and the gap must be filled with something. You can’t buy them off because the void will continue to grow. It is at the point where Val and I seriously limit gifts. Experiences are more important. Objects pass but memories will live on.
8/No second chance. Your kids are not your chance to “make things right.” Too many people maneuver their children to sports or other endeavors to live out everything that did not happen in their own lives. We hold up the past against our kids and vow to not make the same mistakes again. This is fine as long as we understand they are their own person and a new story waiting to be written, even with influences from the past.
9/No measuring stick. Get a group of dads together and what happens? The talk will move from marriages to jobs and eventually kids. Achievements will come up, sports, talents, schoolwork, whatever it may be. Don’t fall into the trap. Let your kids stand for themselves and let their accomplishments come up in conversation from other sources. Don’t be that guy, that trophy parent.
10/Never break the mold. You are allowed to cry, to laugh, to be embarrassed in public and play on the playground. You are allowed to hug your kids, pick them up and spin them around before throwing them on your shoulders. Maybe your dad never did this with you but, in the end, that doesn’t mean you can’t do it with your kids. Start a new family tradition and have the courage to see it through.