Living in the Gain

I’ve been reading a lot of Ben Hardy and he loves quoting Dan Sullivan.  Both are well written and exposed individuals in the improvement space.  Sullivan writes of the concept of motivation and mindset as placed in the Gap versus the Gain.

The Gap is the space of what happened versus our expectations of the results.  The Gain is how far we’ve come from where we started. Most of us live in the Gap.  The failure in expectations causes many kinds of complications from frustration and anger to addiction and suffering.

Living in the Gain creates motivation.  It creates a world view where you are moving forward.  There is always something to celebrate in that a new day is a small victor and a chance to progress over where you were yesterday.

The idea sounds easy.  It is not.

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One of the most entertaining movies of the past few years, in visuals and story, is American Beauty. The movie could not be done today with the awareness of Kevin Spacey’s actions and the overall tone would be difficult to capture. Alan Ball’s screenplay sparks and Sam Mendes paints visuals that draw you in.

The movie itself is about acceptance. Kevin Spacey’s character, Lester Burnham, steps back from the parts of his life that are keeping him contained.  He’s not a hero, by any means, but he does find his way to freedom. His death at the end of the movie (shouldn’t be a spoiler at this point) puts an exclamation at the end of the work.

Everyone is misunderstood. Everyone has wounds. When we let our individuality out, we become vulnerable. Burnham decides to chase that feeling of being alive and, in the end, it costs him everything.

Turning your back on the Gap and looking to the Gain isn’t as nihilistic as the movie makes it seem.

Carter and Aiden are friends with two kids of similar ages. Their situations could not be more different than ours.  I’ve watched these kids develop over the past few years and there’s some dangerous tendencies emerging. They have a sense of entitlement that I’m fighting hard to stop Carter and Aiden from adapting.

Entitlement is a mindset born in the Gap. It can be an unhealthy driver that poisons relationships and creates false stability.  A focus on the Gap creates a feeling that the world owes you something.  It does not.

Thankfulness is born in Gain, in that you are always aware of rock bottom. You know where you came from and that you’ll work like crazy to never go back.  You are grateful for the progress you’ve made.

Today is better than yesterday.  Remember that.  Have your eyes on the wins, no matter how small. The Gain inspires you to keep creating. It opens up new opportunities that you’ll see when you look for them.

The comparison game is way too easy. Focus on your race. Find your heroes and mentors. Keep pushing forward and writing your story.  Do your best.

Know that you won’t have all the answers, but you will gain.  One step at a time.

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Missing Out

I had the same dream last night.

It is a dream I’ve had probably fifty times over the past few years.  I’m at college, back at West Chester University.  I’m a senior and it is the end of the semester.  I have one class I need to graduate, literally one class to attend and I can’t find it.  I walk around campus and can almost feel the sun on my face.  The whole time, the location of the class does not reveal itself.

I search and search, never finding it. The day goes on and I start an internal debate.  Do I really need it to graduate?  What if I miss it?  Can I graduate and somehow take it in the summer?  What happens if I can’t graduate? The questions keep coming. The anxiety builds and, every time

I wake up.

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Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is a real thing that has grown from the social media boom.  People spend their days looking at Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat stories and compare their lives to others.  If they don’t stack up, it creates worry and anxiety.

Everything is comparison. Every picture, every filter, every vacation and creatively-shot dinner. We look at our plate and wonder why the salad isn’t as green, the steak isn’t as marbled, the wine isn’t as red and why our kids are running laps in the living room while theirs sit and eat.

Missing out translates, at the bottom line, into regret.

I’ve written before about being on the Mock Trial team in high school.  After our last case, the attorney advisor told me I should consider law school.  I said to Val the other night, what if I’d gone to law school?  Where would we be today??

Our stories are formed in intersection and opportunity.

My cousin’s husband is a financial advisor.  He told a story once that a friend in the business had called him to say, “hey man, I have this small iced tea company in upstate New York about to go public, you want in?”  He passed on it.  It was Snapple. Now, not every chance is that clear or easy.

Our lives are built on the foundations of our yes and our no.

Did you ever find yourself in a job you knew, without hesitation, wasn’t for you?  I did direct sales in the city of Philadelphia for two weeks, in mid summer, walking around in a shirt and tie. It was not for me.  I actually don’t regret taking the job as it was a learning experience but, in the end, I could have turned it down.

I believe, in the depths of my soul, that we are all called to make a difference. Someone you know, someone you talk to or email today, they need you.  They need to hear your voice and they will find security in it. They need you to push, or pull, them forward towards a greater calling.

I don’t know if regret every truly goes away.

The Apostle Paul wrote often about changing his message to suit his audience.  If you page through his books you’ll notice tone changes and logic progressions. Paul’s fear was not missing out, it was missing in. It was presenting what was on his heart in a way that would connect with everyone from new believers to Roman citizens and politicians.

“What if I strike out?” my son asked the other day riding home from baseball practice.

One of Val’s favorite movies is A Cinderella Story. In the movie, Hillary Duff plays the main character and, on the wall of her father’s diner is the quote, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game,” paraphrasing Babe Ruth. Ruth may not be the greatest role model, but he has a point.

We must do our best to be present, to be in the moment with those we love. To be in the moment of our choices and to have peace with the directions our lives take.  We must sit in our emotions, to hurt with those in pain, to laugh until we cry, to hold a hand and stand with someone in their moment of weakness.  We must know our own value and live life with an understanding that we are worth it.  We are worth treating ourselves better, worth surpassing prior generations, worth stitching up our wounds and going back on the battlefield again.

It is worth striking out because adversity brings growth, because nothing changes if nothing changes.

It is worth it because someone is always watching, may it be your kids or your inner child, someone you love or someone you admire.  They are watching and waiting for you to tell your story.

So step up to the plate without fear. Without regret. Take a moment and breathe.

Open your eyes and swing.

The End of Boring

This afternoon I had to go and pick up a refill of Val’s medicine at the local Target pharmacy.  I left work and drove over with thirty minutes to spare before I needed to get Carter from after school childcare. The pharmacy, as per the usual practice, did not have the refill ready so I ambled around the store to kill time.

I stopped at the magazines and, in the current Men’s Health edition, they surveyed a large segment of women and found that they were bored in their marriages. The writer offered a number of suggestions to spice up the situation, but the underlying issue remains.

How many of us are bored with our marriages, our jobs, our lives, or our walks with God?

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We are beings hard-wired to chase satisfaction.  Addicts find it many different ways, from money to fitness and drugs. We demand value and will sacrifice whatever it takes. Talk to the bully or the one throwing themselves at others for acceptance. We want to be wanted and in control.

At the same time, we want to consume.  Our drive to gratification demands one more minute on the phone, one more text message, one more status update or photo upload. And don’t wait because, in the minute you put your phone down, you could miss a friend’s baby picture or workout status and clean meal of the morning.

Maybe we’re missing the point.

Bored is focused inwards.

Passion is focused on them.

Passion is about what we give to a situation, whether a job, family, marriage, or faith walk.  Want to light up your days? Think about what you can do for someone else.  Tip the scales the other direction.  Sacrifice your time for a greater goal.

Donate. Create. Shape your contribution and release it into the world.

So tonight, if you are living in a stagnant situation, there is time for change.  There is time to step out of your comfort zone. Time to give, to enter a new situation and make it better.

Anyone can sit back and consume.

The time for waiting is over.  Take a small step and do something for a friend or family member or, even better, someone you don’t know. See what happens.

A life of epic faith, love, family, and passion is possible.  It takes one day of change at a time.  Let tomorrow be your Day One and see what happens.

~Matt